Getting Past All That
by Fangs of Lightning
Summary: In which Dezel doesn't die and Rose decides to talk about things. But talking doesn't always go the way it was planned.
Notes: I wanted to try writing something with this subject and it turned into this. Rose was a difficult muse, so I hope it's okay.

Getting Past All That

Spending a few days in Pendrago was best for everyone. Dezel's revenge hadn't gone as planned, the wind seraph named Zaveid had joined their group 'just in case', and everyone needed the short break. Rose also had a lot to think about. Which would be easier if Dezel would stop avoiding her. They had to get this out of the way before everyone decided to get moving. The rest of the world wouldn't wait for their problems to be resolved. Even if it was more complicated than black and white.

"You can't avoid me forever!" There was no reply on the wind blowing through her hair and she growled slightly. Dezel had heard her, was probably nearby keeping an eye on her in fact, so why wouldn't he respond? Only one way to get him over there then.

"Lukeim Yurlin!"

There was a rush of anger as she felt Dezel come to her, his raging whirlwind of emotions clashing with her rather than molding like they usually did. Or forcibly taking control from her like last time... It sent a painful shock through her body and she gasped, holding onto him despite it and focusing on his emotions. Rage, of course, but underneath that... Guilt. Disgust. Regret. Tentative longing mixing with sadness. Feeling all of it leave her was like a breath of fresh air and she looked up at Dezel as he stood, back to her but less than a few feet away.

"We need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"After the way you used me, I'd say we have a lot to talk about." The dry tone was unfamiliar even to her own ears, and she scoffed when he didn't say anything. "Fine. I'll start. You used my body for years, without my knowledge or consent mind you, decided not to mention it when we could finally talk-"

"That would have went over real well." The sarcasm in his voice was so thick she knew he rolled his eyes. "You just opened your eyes to this side of the world, if you recall."

"Then after I got used to it! You had so many chances to say _something,_ Dezel. But deciding not to, and asking the others not to say anything? Didn't it occur to you that I should know?"

"Of course it did!" Dezel almost turned and Rose noticed his arms lift, crossing in front of his chest as he added to the statement. "Sometimes... But what was I supposed to say?"

"Maybe that you've known me for years? That we work together so well because you've always been there?"

"Causing you to freak out and want nothing to do with me. Making Sorey's job much harder and-"

"Don't give me that bullshit. You didn't say anything because it wasn't in _your_ best interests. You would've lost your... puppet."

"I would have lost a person I care about." This time Dezel did turn, failing to keep a snarl from his expression. Whether it was actually directed at her or not, Rose didn't care. "Yes, I was using you to get revenge for what happened to the Windriders. I admit that I didn't care much for anything beyond that. But you-"

"I know what a vessel is to a seraph, Dezel."

Lailah and Edna had explained everything to her the night before last. This time, she'd made sure to pay attention.

"Why are you refusing to believe that I care about you?"

"Because it's too convenient!" Rose took a step toward Dezel, jabbing a finger into his chest as she glared up at him. The motion barely had an affect on him, but that was about what she had been expecting.

"You were using me as a vessel and puppet so you could get revenge. If anything happened to me, you'd be screwed. I can believe you care about me for that reason. But- no, you don't get to interrupt this time- claiming to care about me as a person now that I know what you were doing? That's pretty low. Every time you yelled at me about being more careful, that I should use my head before I get killed, you were just worried about your revenge. If anything happened to me, you wouldn't be able to pull it off. Now you expect me to believe you just conveniently grew to care about me beyond that? I don't buy it."

Rose dropped her hand from his mouth and crossed her arms again. Whatever Dezel was feeling was hidden behind his hair and the permanent frown. She almost wished they were still in the armatus. For a few long moments Dezel didn't say anything.

"You're a person, not an object."

"Yeah, funny how that works out."

"Would you- Whatever. You've already made up your mind about it. Once Sorey doesn't need me any more, I'll leave. I'll get out of your life and leave you alone."

"No, Dezel-" The wind seraph vanished in a flash, most likely returning to Sorey, before she could get out anything more. All the anger she had been feeling lessened to irritation and she glared at the ground with fists clenched. It wasn't supposed to go that way. What had happened to talking it over?

"Good going, idiot."

* * *

The next two months was nearly unbearable. Dezel refused to talk to her again; going so far as to cancel the armatus every time she tried using it. Sometimes getting Sorey into the armatus just to avoid her. It almost made her wish she could force him to stay armatized. Almost. Out of battle when there really wasn't any need for the armatus wasn't any better. He always had something else to do or found something to talk about with one of the others. Even defeating the dragon during the war and seeing Hyland and Rolance soldiers working together hadn't improved his attitude. Not that she had really expected it to.

Everyone had agreed with Rose that it wouldn't hurt to wait a day before leaving Lastonbell and going after Heldalf. After ending the war and seeing Sergei and Alisha start making plans for the peace talks, she thought it might be best for them to take a break as well. They hadn't had one for a while, and- Oh who was she kidding? What Rose really wanted was some time to think over her feelings. Sitting on the bell tower at night was the perfect chance.

Rose hugged her legs closer to her chest and stared down at the main street of Lastonbell. What she had been feeling the last few days wasn't normal. After how Dezel had used her she should hate him. For a while, she thought she did. Seeing him had been enough to bring her anger back to the forefront of her mind, mutually ignoring him as he ignored her. Until sometime last week. That spark she had forcefully snuffed out in Pendrago two months ago had returned full force. It only made her want to talk to him even more, and his blatant ignoring feel worse.

"Rose..." The sound of Lailah's heels came with her voice and Rose felt her shoulders slump more. That wasn't who she'd been hoping for. "Would you like to talk about what's bothering you?"

"I'm fine Lailah."

"Is it about Dezel?" Of course Lailah had seen right through her. She usually did.

"It's not just Dezel. It's... If I had just _listened_... Dezel's always been with me and there's no reason for that to change."

"Did you try talking to him?"

"Of course I did! I yelled at him. I ignored the guilt I knew he was feeling. I ignored the sadness, the disgust, the anger, the worry and hesitation..." Remembering the emotions that momentary armatization had evoked was easy. It all came flooding back, clear as day and making her feel worse than she already did. She didn't care if that wasn't what Lailah had been asking about. "I accused him of not caring about me when I know it's the complete opposite. I just... He used me. And I felt so angry that I ignored what he was trying to say."

"It's understandable that you would be angry, Rose. Don't be so hard on yourself."

Rose looked up at the fire seraph, quickly looking down again at where Zaveid and Edna were talking. Lailah's sympathetic assurances were the last thing she wanted tonight. Of course her anger was understandable; there'd be something wrong with her if she hadn't been angry with him at all. But travelling with Sorey all this time had at least taught her that nothing was black and white. There was more than one side to every story.

"He did some horrible things, but I didn't even give him the chance to explain himself. I just threw accusations like some kind of self-righteous bitch."

With the Scattered Bones, she swore to get the full story before passing judgement on anyone. Why should this be any different? Did her honor even mean anything if she couldn't apply the same concept to someone she loved?

"Rose." Lailah's tone became more serious than sympathetic and Rose refused to look back at her.

"Now he won't talk to me and I can't make this right. It's like Lunarre all over again."

"Rose, stop. You're getting too negative. There's always a way to fix things."

Yeah, yeah. Can't get corrupted by the malevolence.

"Maybe for seraphim. You have all the time in the world. I've got one lifetime that goes by far too quickly. If Dezel wants to end his time with me, who am I to make him change his mind?"

Even if it hurt to admit it, maybe it was for the best. As much as she... loved him... He had used her. Betrayed her trust and hid things from her. She shouldn't just ignore that.

"This issue between the two of you is going to be a distraction against the Lord of Calamity. Something for Symonne to easily use to her advantage. The two of you need to figure something out."

A nicer way of saying they'd be a hindrance if they didn't talk. Leave it to Lailah to try and put it nicely.

"I know that. But Dezel thinks I hate him."

Pretty sure that's why he insisted on ignoring her.

"Just go talk to him. Insist if you have to."

"I don't know if that'll work. He's been avoiding me for a month and he's pretty good at avoiding things."

"Just give it another try."

* * *

"Dezel? Don't even think about leaving this room."

Closing the door behind herself and leaning against it wouldn't technically stop him from leaving, but Rose was pleased to see Dezel stay on the bed. Even if he did look like he was set to ignore her again, leaving the arm across his eyes rather than turning his face toward her like he did with everyone else.

"Some people are trying to sleep," he said. Unfortunately for him she knew seraphim didn't actually need to.

"Well some people need to talk about things." Marching across the room, Rose climbed onto the bed and settled on his hips, thighs on either side of him. Telling herself it was the best place to sit didn't stop her face from flushing slightly when he spoke.

"I thought you said 'talk'."

"It's been over a month. You've barely said a word to me, and avoid me like I have some kind of disease." Just focus on the business at hand. She was good at talking business.

"You made it clear how you feel about me. I was just giving you space."

"Giving someone space doesn't include leaving when they try to talk to you, you-" Rose took a breath. "I want to talk about it. To hear your side of things."

They both knew what 'it' meant. With the way he'd been acting, Rose wouldn't be surprised if he pretended not to.

"Why don't you tell me? You do that so well."

"Don't be a sarcastic asshole."

"What do you want to hear, Rose?" His sigh gave the impression that he wanted to get this over with.

"Your feelings." And hers, but those could wait. Had to until she got her answers.

"You already know those."

"From you, Dezel. And be honest."

Dezel moved his arm and fixed her with a stare. Soft, inquisitive wind blew around her and she smiled for a moment. About time he actually looked at her.

"The last time I tried to be honest with you, you decided I was lying. Sound reasoning to go with it."

"Yeah, I was a bitch. Now can we get to the part where you tell me how you feel about all of it?"

"I seriously fucked up, and you hate me now. How do you think I feel?"

"I get mad at you once and you decide I hate you?"

"You decided I was lying after telling me we had to talk."

"I was angry. You know better than me how people can get when they're angry." Rose leaned down, placing her hands on his chest and giving him a small glare. "Now tell me your feelings."

"I hate everything. Is that good enough for you?"

"You've always hated everything."

Dezel was silent again, staring up at her with his blind eyes. Stubborn as usual. At least the winds he was using to see hadn't gotten any colder.

"Look, I've had two months to think about this." Rose moved back, settling herself on him and trying not to think too hard about where she was. At least she could say it was keeping him there. "I was pretty pissed back in Pendrago, and I probably should have given myself more time to calm down."

"No. You had every right to yell at me."

"Would you let me finish? The whole possession and using me as a puppet thing was really creepy of you. But I can understand-"

"You shouldn't."

"I'm not making the same mistake twice, Dezel. I... care about you, and you deserve better than me throwing accusations and not listening to you. Most people would be happy to have a chance to explain their side."

Asking why he wasn't would be a waste of time, Rose decided. She'd been the one ignoring what he was trying to say the last time they'd talked.

"There isn't anything to explain that hasn't been already."

"What about that guilt and disgust you'd been feeling? Or maybe the regret?"

Hearing an explanation of those would be appreciated. Rose could guess, had even tried to on occasion, but that just wasn't the same. Assumptions shouldn't be taken as fact anyway.

"And guilt trip you into forgiveness?"

"You know it isn't that easy."

She was right, and they both knew it. But he still glared at her. With all the wind around them, she was starting to wish she could read it. Get an idea what was going through his mind.

"C'mon. Let me in already." Did she really have to use Lailah's reasoning? That seemed so... forceful. Definitely not a good reason to make up with someone. Or reach an agreement that Symonne couldn't use against them. Whichever.

"I had it all wrong. When I realized- remembered- what had happened, I... I'm sorry for using you. It was wrong, I knew it, and chose to ignore that in favor of getting revenge. No amount of apologizing will erase that."

Now they were getting somewhere.

"Hey, at least you felt regret. You're not completely irredeemable."

"Do you even understand what I did to you?"

"You possessed my body like some kind of creepy ghost. I don't want to know how many times. Jacked up my resonance enough for me to see this side of the world and made me as strong as I am today."

"That wasn't all me. And it wasn't for you."

Oh, she knew that. But stating it as a good thing was supposed to make him feel better.

"So how many times did you save my life with that little possession trick?"

"Not enough to excuse doing it."

Fair enough.

"Why'd you do it in the first place?"

That was the big question she needed the answer to. It had crossed her mind a million times since she learned what he'd been doing. The right moment to ask had just never presented itself.

"I used you as my vessel because you were the purest constant in my life. I needed one, and you seemed to be strong enough. Fortunately, I was right. Actually possessing you... was an accident at first. You were about to die, I panicked, and next thing I knew I was in control of your body."

So it wasn't completely selfish. Knowing he hadn't intentionally figured out how to take control of her body did make her feel a little better. But he had continued to do it without that excuse.

"And then you proceeded to keep doing it while I was perfectly fine. Still creepy. But hey, at least you left my body in mint condition."

"You shouldn't try to excuse it. I used you, plain and simple."

"And I'm okay with what happened. We've already established I'd be dead if not for you. You did make me stronger. And I wouldn't have met everyone if you hadn't done it. The good seriously outweighs the bad here."

Judging by the look on his face, Dezel wasn't impressed by her logic.

"Hey, I'm the victim here. And if I say it's okay, you don't get to say otherwise. I'm glad you regret what happened, but..."

As soon as those words left her mouth, her mood dropped. She wasn't glad he regretted it. Obviously, it was a good thing he did. And she liked that fact. But regretting meant wishing it never happened. And wishing it never happened meant...

"I'm happy I got to meet you. And if you hadn't possessed me..." Oh, Maotelus. Were those seriously tears? She was going to start crying like some kind of emotional teenager? Just how long had she been holding these ones back?

"Hey now." Feeling his hands cup her face didn't make it any better. "What's gotten into you?"

"You wish none of it happened, don't you?"

"Of course I do. You'd still be happy if it wasn't for me. Might even be happier."

The hands on her face hadn't moved so Rose settled for letting someone hold her for once. Dezel was so wrong and he didn't even realize it. Sure, she would still be happy if he hadn't done any of it. Without those actions, she wouldn't even know he existed. Even before then- if Symonne's words could be trusted- she would've married that prince and lived in a castle. That's supposed to make anyone happy. But she couldn't bring herself to look at it that way. Not now.

Hating him would make it so much easier.

"Then I never would have met you. Or any of the others."

"That's a bad thing? All I've-"

Pressing her mouth against his seemed like the best idea at the time. A lack of response from Dezel quickly extinguished the sudden desire, leaving Rose with rocks instead of butterflies as she felt her heart sink. Well that had been a stupid move. Maybe she could play it off as a 'heat of the moment' kind of thing and hope he forgot about it. It wasn't like there'd been much reason for her to really fall in love with him in the first place. A forced laugh sounded unconvincing to her, and she knew Dezel could see through it too.

"Sorry. I got..."

This time it was her turn to be silenced with a press of lips against hers, smiling despite herself and pressing harder against him. Both hands gripped his shoulders as she forgot people needed to breathe, enjoying the taste of him on her lips and tongue until he finally pushed her up and away, panting slightly and looking more composed than she felt. A change in plans was in order. Grinding her hips down before she could convince herself not to earned her a sharp intake of breath from Dezel as well as the feeling of something growing hard under the cloth between them. Not the best way to fix a problem like theirs, but she could work with it. Wanted to, even.

"Rose, now really isn't..." A low groan interrupted him, hands falling onto Rose's hips and pulling her down harder.

"You were saying?"

The friction from her grinding wasn't enough with the clothing in the way and she reached down, fingers finding his belts to unbuckle and pull them from around his hips. The only pause was to get the pouch strapped to his thigh off before reaching back to the top of his pants. If he really didn't want to, Dezel would stop her... right? Better to make sure.

"That half a protest wasn't a call for stopping, was it?"

"Just use my body however you want," Dezel growled.

Hooking her fingers under the waistband of his pants with a smirk, she decided to follow that. It was only fair, right? Or maybe that's what he was going for... Setting that aside to think about later, Rose unashamedly stared as the thin cloth moved down to expose his hard erection. It was as dark as the rest of him, now nearly flat against his abdomen as gravity did its thing. Ghosting her fingers over the length of it brought winds her way, their warmth and restlessness giving her the impression that he was flustered. It was cute... in its own way.

"Turn off the wind Dezel."

"You know I can't see without it."

"So just feel. Your other senses work fine."

Whether he listened or not didn't matter all that much. And the nagging thought that this was too fast was shoved to the back of her mind. She'd jumped in bed with people she'd known a week before. This couldn't be any worse.

"You mind getting the rest of it off yourself?"

Pushing the shirt up had let her see those muscles he'd been hiding, but she was starting to get impatient. Rose wasted no time getting up off of him and stripping her clothes, tossing them to the floor unceremoniously before climbing back over him. Taking his mouth again was the first order of business, running her fingers down the surprisingly soft skin of his sides and pressing her breasts against his torso. Dezel had said to do what she wanted, and that's what she intended to do. Sharp teeth nipped at her lips and she opened her mouth, feeling his hand in her hair as his tongue slipped in to taste her. For a few moments, she focused on exploring and tasting. It wasn't really anything special; just traces of the dinner from earlier and something she couldn't place. The warm, tender grip of his hands startled her from trying to figure it out when they finally grabbed her hips, thumbs lightly petting the skin there. Despite the grip, Rose believed he was holding something back. She wouldn't be over him anymore if he wasn't.

"I thought it was my turn." Making sure to purr as she spoke against his lips had the desired affect; both hands left her and she would've sworn he shuddered if she didn't know any better. "You listen to my every command, got that?"

So it wasn't the conventional method of solving this problem between them. Dezel had used her, betrayed her trust, and technically lied to her. Most people would say she should cut him out of her life. Get rid of him and never talk to him again.

This method was more enjoyable than any of that.

Rose looked down at the seraph as she sat up, hands coming to rest on his chest. His face was flushed, from what she'd never know, hair falling against the pillow when he turned it from her gaze. Seeing him so... dare she say submissive... was oddly arousing.

"Going to do something or just stare at me?"

The snap of his voice broke her train of thought and Rose realized she'd just been sitting there, almost on his lap but not where he obviously wanted her. Normally she would tease. Maybe even be a little mean. Deny him what he wanted. It was less and more than he deserved.

"Consider yourself lucky I have no patience."

Pushing him in so quickly maybe hadn't been the best idea. The sudden feeling of his cock buried hard inside her momentarily threw her off her plans to remain calm and in charge. Had it really been that long since...? A low moan slipped from between her lips when she started moving, rocking her hips against him and changing position until she found the angle she wanted. Both breasts were in his hands, her own still gripping his wrists from when she had moved him to suit her own needs. Her wordless command was followed; fingers stroking over and around her hardening nipples as her back arched to press them more firmly into his hands.

Up and down, in and out. Faster. Harder. Louder. This time was no exception as Rose didn't even try to hold back. Dezel had surely heard her before, so why bother?

"Dezel... Touch me."

A small smile curved his lips at the order, hands sliding from her breasts to press against the rest of her torso. His fingers caressed over her body in pleasing touches, never pulling her closer or hindering her own movement. Until they landed on the sides of her face. One hand moved back, threading into her hair and pulling her down by the back of the head. Rough lips met her halfway and she decided to let this one pass. Kissing was technically still touching. Pushing her tongue into his mouth was easy enough, feeling the bottom of his jagged teeth scrape against it and send tingles of pleasure through her body. Arching away from the hand petting down her spine pressed her body flush against his, the sweat making her easily slide against him. Rose pressed deeper into the kiss, taking his mouth as he grabbed her hips and pulled her down. With a sound almost like a whine against her lips, Dezel came and Rose pulled away to let him breathe.

"Who told you you could come?" The question was playful; she didn't really care. Unless she got pregnant. Then she might have to.

Heavy breathing was of course the only response Dezel gave her, body relaxing into the mattress and his hands idly petting over her hips and thighs. Rose laughed at the sight without thinking as she kept her own body moving. Her own orgasm was close, entire body soon trembling through waves of pleasure over his as she sighed.

"Not the-" Dezel paused to swallow, "best way to resolve a problem."

"You enjoyed it, didn't you?" Seeing him this undone was amusing to say the least. She could keep going if she really wanted to. "So it worked well enough."

"Sex doesn't solve your problems Rose."

"There isn't a problem between us. You haven't figured that out yet?"

Dezel apparently wasn't in the mood for arguing, just sighing and giving her a shove. Rose let herself fall back and got off him, lying next to him on the bed with a smile. As much as he didn't agree, it was in the past. She was ready to put it there if he would just cooperate.

"You know, Dezel? What really pissed me off was how you took control from me that one time in Pendrago. I kinda figured out what was going on before then."

Not that what he'd done hadn't pissed her off, but it was especially the fact that he never said anything about it and took control from her like that that really got to her.

"And you never approached me about it?"

"I was hoping you'd come clean about it yourself." Like a decent person. Still, she had to admit he wasn't all bad. "Why didn't you?"

"I thought..." Dezel sighed, low and irritated, and Rose vaguely wondered if she should leave him alone. "I convinced myself that you'd lose faith in yourself if I told you the truth."

Whatever he said next was muttered too low for Rose to understand and she moved closer to him.

"What was that?"

"I'm tired. Go to sleep."

"Okay okay. No need to get so grumpy."

The fact that he was obviously hiding something again aside, he had a point. It was pretty late and Sorey would probably want to leave early. They could finish the conversation in the morning. Pressing against his side and lying her head on his shoulder, Rose smiled when she felt him move, arm holding her comfortably as he shifted slightly.


End file.
